Be Really Whole

In a healthy relationship I believe it is important to make God first, our self second and our partner third. It doesn’t sound very romantic does it? But romance, although fun, heady and sometimes euphoric, is not the best foundation for a long term partnership. Two halves don’t make a whole; in fact it makes for a codependent mess! In order to really have that healthy, functional, working partnership, there needs to be two whole people. I envision the MasterCard symbol with two overlapping circle’s where there is shared space, but each circle has its own center and clear boundaries. Then there are parts of the circle that do not overlap. Boundaries are vital so that we do not take on another’s pain or projections and we do not expect them to take on or fix ours.

The path to wholeness is ultimately a personal journey inward. Becoming aware of any limiting beliefs, unconscious issues of unworthiness, and learning to love oneself warts and all. When we do this the natural by product is attracting someone who will love us unconditionally. Water always finds its own level; this is the law of attraction. So, if you really love and respect yourself, if you are comfortable and confident in your own skin, and can make mistakes and still have great affection for yourself, it will be inevitable that you will attract great people in your life. Because, in fact, you would not consider settling for anything less. You have probably heard the saying, “Treat others the way you want to be treated,” and that is great, but I think it is even more important to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you!

Often in couples counseling people will say something about their partner like: “She is rude and harsh with me.” My question to them is: “How you are rude and harsh with yourself?” A very common complaint is: “He never listens to me.” So my question: “How do you not listen to yourself?” Or this one: “I don’t feel appreciated,” then my inevitable question: “How do you not appreciate yourself?” I am often met with blank stares and then widening eyes: Wow, I really AM harsh and rude to me! Man, I really DON’T listen to myself, and no, I don’t think I do appreciate myself.

Once we start treating ourselves with kindness, respect and appreciation, a funny thing happens - our relationships transform! They either get better or they get worse. Either way is GREAT! Things either smooth out and improve or you energetically weed the garden and clear the space for that new person who will treat you in this new kinder, gentler way. Let them get out of the way, that great guy right behind them is really a much better fit for you!

So consider what you want in your relationship? How do you want to be treated? What are the qualities and characteristics that are important to you? Now ask yourself, how can I be that way with me? This process will support you in becoming really whole…and having that solid foundation to build anything you want on! Lao Tzu has a wonderful quote: “Be really Whole and all things will come to you”. Make yourself the nubmer one priority in your life, live in your truth and love yourself, and everything else will take care of itself. This is living from the inside out….Write to me with your thoughts and questions, I would LOVE to hear from you!