Be Really Whole

In a healthy relationship I believe it is important to make God first, our self second and our partner third. It doesn’t sound very romantic does it? But romance, although fun, heady and sometimes euphoric, is not the best foundation for a long term partnership. Two halves don’t make a whole; in fact it makes for a codependent mess! In order to really have that healthy, functional, working partnership, there needs to be two whole people. I envision the MasterCard symbol with two overlapping circle’s where there is shared space, but each circle has its own center and clear boundaries. Then there are parts of the circle that do not overlap. Boundaries are vital so that we do not take on another’s pain or projections and we do not expect them to take on or fix ours.

The path to wholeness is ultimately a personal journey inward. Becoming aware of any limiting beliefs, unconscious issues of unworthiness, and learning to love oneself warts and all. When we do this the natural by product is attracting someone who will love us unconditionally. Water always finds its own level; this is the law of attraction. So, if you really love and respect yourself, if you are comfortable and confident in your own skin, and can make mistakes and still have great affection for yourself, it will be inevitable that you will attract great people in your life. Because, in fact, you would not consider settling for anything less. You have probably heard the saying, “Treat others the way you want to be treated,” and that is great, but I think it is even more important to treat yourself the way you want others to treat you!

Often in couples counseling people will say something about their partner like: “She is rude and harsh with me.” My question to them is: “How you are rude and harsh with yourself?” A very common complaint is: “He never listens to me.” So my question: “How do you not listen to yourself?” Or this one: “I don’t feel appreciated,” then my inevitable question: “How do you not appreciate yourself?” I am often met with blank stares and then widening eyes: Wow, I really AM harsh and rude to me! Man, I really DON’T listen to myself, and no, I don’t think I do appreciate myself.

Once we start treating ourselves with kindness, respect and appreciation, a funny thing happens - our relationships transform! They either get better or they get worse. Either way is GREAT! Things either smooth out and improve or you energetically weed the garden and clear the space for that new person who will treat you in this new kinder, gentler way. Let them get out of the way, that great guy right behind them is really a much better fit for you!

So consider what you want in your relationship? How do you want to be treated? What are the qualities and characteristics that are important to you? Now ask yourself, how can I be that way with me? This process will support you in becoming really whole…and having that solid foundation to build anything you want on! Lao Tzu has a wonderful quote: “Be really Whole and all things will come to you”. Make yourself the nubmer one priority in your life, live in your truth and love yourself, and everything else will take care of itself. This is living from the inside out….Write to me with your thoughts and questions, I would LOVE to hear from you!

Do Fairy Tales come True?

We all grew up listening to fairy tales...how can be blamed if we bought into them? I really DID want to be a princess, I really DID want to be rescued and adored by the handsome, doting, powerful prince. After a series of painful experiences with whom I believed to be royalty, I realized this prince thing was not working. I love this quote by Tom Robbins, "We are our own dragons as well as our own hero's, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves."

What we were not told in regard to the fairy tales, is that each of the characters is an aspect of ourselves. I needed to find my inner hero, before he could show up in my life. I needed to love me, in order to attract true love! It is so simple...but far from easy.

Loving from the "Inside Out" is putting ourselves at the top of our Love List – Not expecting to meet someone that gives our lives greater meaning or completes us. Learning to listen deeply to that still small voice within, and make ourselves a priority, is not something most of us are taught at home or in the class room. Most of us are taught to behave, do as we are told, be quiet, get good grades, clean the bathroom, etc. We learn we have to be a certain way and do certain things to earn acceptance and approval. The problem is, as we venture into the world, this "Outside In" way of being doesn't work very well.

It is an enormous transition to go from other-oriented to self-oriented, but this is when life can really start to work. To ask oneself "what honors me now" or "what does loving myself look like right now" and acting upon the information that comes forward, can start to change our relationship with ourselves and improve our lives almost immediately.

Now that I take care of myself first and foremost, I have more to give to others. I give from a place of abundance and overflow, rather than a deficit depletion and exhaustion. I no longer look to others to take care of me or replenish me, but I do receive support graciously when offered. I now live a life of greater gratitude and grace - because I am no longer running on fumes!

So, are you ready to make yourself more important in your own life? Are you ready to be higher on your list of priorities? What would life look like from this perspective? How would it feel? I promise, not only you have more energy, you will attract more generous and loving people - because you are being generous and loving with yourself. As Buddha has said “You as much as anyone deserves your own love!” If you commit to treating yourself with more love, compassion and affection, your life will undoubtedly transform in miraculous, exquisite and wonderful ways! Write to me with questions and to share your stories. I would LOVE to hear from you!

Opening Pandora's Box

We learn about relationships from what we witness and experience as children. Patterns of thoughts and beliefs eventually emerge in our lives, giving us information to support us in making conscious choices and changes. Most of us do not tend to question what was handed down to us from our parents and grandparents, until our lives become unmanageable, unworkable or excruciating. This was certainly the case for me! After a series of horrible relationships, I was finally ready to look within. I had to admit there were distinct patterns in how I was treated by men. Was it simply a coincidence? Were all men lying, abusive, cheaters? Did I DESERVE to be treated badly? I was tired of my reality and tired of buying into these beliefs. I wanted to happy, I wanted a great relationship, I wanted to believe in true love. But it was clear that I needed to do something radically different to get a different result. So I surrendered, I prayed, I asked for help, and I chose to look inside.

I was afraid of opening my personal Pandora’s Box. I had always thought there was something inherently wrong with me. What I found as I lifted the lid, were outdated beliefs, some guilt, some shame and a lot of misunderstandings. As I sat on the floor sifting through the painful contents, I asked Spirit how I could manifest a man who would respect, cherish and love me unconditionally; I got that I needed to respect, cherish and love myself unconditionally. I thought REALLY? Then I thought YUCK! Then I thought, ISN’T THERE ANOTHER WAY? Nope, not unless you want to play games the rest of your life! I was in my 30’s…I wanted to be done playing games. I decided to dive back into my Pandora’s Box and learn to love myself no matter what.

I faced my vulnerability, I faced awful mistakes I had made, I faced my disappointments , and my pain. I cried hundreds of suppressed tears from the recent past as well as from my childhood. I love this quote from Marianne Williamson: If you have 100 tears to cry, 98 will not be enough. I had always thought of myself as stoic and strong, often holding back tears that burned the back of my eyes. What I did not know was those tears were still in me, bouncing around, weighing me down and distorting the landscape of my life.

Crying my tears made me feel lighter and more free. It also changed the terrain of my life. It is by grappling with our darkness that it can be brought into the light and pain can be transformed in to understanding. In this way suffering can be a powerful catalyst and used as a springboard to self awareness. So what I found as I kept digging and digging, at the very bottom of my box, was something brilliant, beautiful, pure and precious. It was like finding the Hope Diamond - it was my Spiritual Essence. We all have the this diamond and opportunity to tap into Spirit within, after all it is what breaths us and beats our heart - but first we must muster the courage and make the commitment to our healing journey.

The upside from doing this work is a greater sense of connection, compassion (for ourselves and others) and remarkable relationships. Is the journey sometimes uncomfortable? Yes. Will there be tears? Probably. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTLY! My book “Manifesting Love” serves as a guide supporting you through this confusing terrain, and so will I! So, please write me with any question or comments, I would love to hear from you and be honored to support you.

Commitment

Many of my clients and students say they want to be in a relationship. However, when I ask them how they feel about the word “commitment” they shudder - and so did I when I first considered it! Give this simple exercise a try; close your eyes and consider the word commitment and scan your body inwardly...what comes forward? How does it feel? Does it feel expansive and tingly or more like a brick in your stomach?

What I have found is the word “commitment” brings up fear if one is not really committed in a positive way to themselves. What does commitment to oneself mean? Committing to ourselves means learning to love ourselves no matter what. It is about seeking, finding and celebrating our sacredness and our humanness. When we arrive at the place of accepting ourselves, warts and all, we relax into a place of peace, contentment, happiness and wholeness. This is the vibration that naturally attracts loving relationships to us. Where we are within ourselves inevitably determines who we attract and the quality of those relationships.

If we are not committed in a positive way to ourselves, there are usually unconscious commitments running us from behind the scenes. For example, for years I was unconsciously committed to my victim story, to my depression, my unhealthy relationship with food and my angst. You have probably heard the phrase: if you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got. Until I decided to do something different and commit to my healing journey not only did life not work well – it was really painful and scary.

The healing journey consists of clearing out limiting or negative beliefs. When we do this, we naturally align with Spirit. When we release fear and hurt, love is what is left. Once we are in a loving relationship with ourselves and Spirit, the Universe becomes a joy filled, supportive and magical place. But first we have to commit to ourselves. We have to dig in, identify, and release our pain. It is vital to release the blocks that prevent the flow of love and prosperity into our lives. It is as if we have to become the loving and compassionate keeper of our bodies, minds and spirits. Once we do this, commitment is no longer the scary notion it once was. Because we know no matter what we are safe, supported and adored. When we have the foundation of commitment to ourselves, commitment to another is easy.

How do you feel about the word commitment? What are you committed to? Write to me and share your thoughts, I would love to hear from you!