For most of my life I believed I needed to be smart, pretty and “right all the time” to prove my worthiness and deserve love. I would explain and, if need be, rigorously defend my position. This posture did not earn me love, in fact, quite the opposite. Looking back I can really see why I annoyed people!
It has been incredibly liberating to relinquish my need to be right…or even the need to know anything at all! I feel a greater sense of equanimity, compassion, and peace for myself, and for others. Now rather than having to be seen, explain, or prove myself, I have the experience of being open, present, and listening deeply to others. Instead of being known and understood, my intention is to know and understand.
From this place of higher altitude, I see many people fighting to defend themselves and their positions. It is clear they are carrying pain, hurt, fear and/or anger. Ekhart Tolle has said if someone is in judgment or defensiveness they are in their ego. For me ego is an acronym “Edging God Out.” It is living from a place of disconnection from Spirit, from our loving, and others. Often with that comes the need for competition, control, to be better than others, and significant emotional suffering. The way out of that suffering is to relax and release the need to be right or superior to anyone.
Everyone has opinions, everyone see the world through different eyes, so what if we do not agree? I can listen and ask questions and try to understand another’s position, not agree with them, but not let it affect my beliefs or reality. So now when I have conversations with another is like visiting a different planet, I want to understand what it is like there, rather than insist they know what it is like on “Planet Tammi.” I really know Planet Tammi and I think it is a pretty great place, but I don’t need others to like it or agree with my reality. That being said, if my reality is vastly different than another’s, I probably won’t want to play with them or hang out with them for very long! Some people are better loved from a distance.
Do you care about being right? Does it matter to you what other people think? If so, why don’t you experiment with surrendering those concepts for a week and see how you feel? I bet you will feel so free and peaceful, you won’t want to pick those habits up again! Give me a shout and let me know what you think!
Blessings of freedom, peace, grace, ease and great love!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Forgiveness
Forgiveness - not a practice that is usually natural, fun or easy. If someone has hurt, betrayed or abused us, the last thing in the world we want to do is forgive them. They were wrong and we were right! And we can always find people to agree with our plight.
Years ago I felt terribly abused, victimized and abandoned by a man who professed to love me for life. After he had unceremoniously kicked me to the curb, I would tell my sad story to anyone who would listen. While doing so I was frequently reduced to tears and often brought people with me. After about two years, my life was still in shambles: financially, emotionally, physically and in my relationships. When I meditated about my predicament the message that dropped in was: “How do you expect to move forward when you are constantly turning around and facing your past.” Oh no, this meant I was going to have to stop telling my story! But I was right! This wasn’t fair! Then the age old question came to me: “Do you want to be right, or be happy?” I wanted BOTH! I began to realize that maybe I could only have one, so after some serious contemplation I chose to be happy. This meant I had to stop complaining, I had to stop telling my story, and in fact I had to open my mind to forgiving the horrible man that had devastated me so completely. Darn….truth be told I wanted to witness his demise, I wanted him to experience the pain he so readily inflicted it onto others. However, if I wanted to manifest a happy, love-filled, prosperous and successful life, I not only had to forgive him, I had to bless him. This is NOT the way I wanted things to look. *Sigh,* O.K. here we go.
I made a committment to not to give into the temptation to tell my story. Additionally every time “he” dropped into my mind I said to myself “God bless him on his path, God bless me on mine.” I also did a forgiveness ceremony, where I lit a candle, invited Spirit in for the highest good of all concerned, and visualized cutting the heart cords that connected us. I placed him in a bubble that floated away and put a bubble of love and protection around me. I decided to give myself two months and if life wasn’t getting better, I was going to start hating him again. Well, life did start to improve and in fact, the anger and hatred was actually dissipating. At first the practice did not feel all that authentic, but after a while, it did. I think with the practice forgiveness it is indeed a practice, there can be layers and layers to peel off - and sometimes we have to fake it until we make it.
Today I am happy to report the forgiveness is complete. In fact, in truth I realize there was nothing to forgive. This man was a character in the drama of my life, playing out a part I assigned to him. He was a reflection of how I treated myself. And if it wouldn’t have been him, it would have been someone else like him. He motivated me in setting different intentions and get really serious about a Spirit-filled, love-filled, and empowered. Today I am in a long term marriage with a solid, beautiful, generous loving man, I have my own radio show on empoweradio.com, I am an artist who is compensated well for my paintings, I am a sacred art facilitator, counselor, I have a double Ph.D. and a book, that supports, inspires and uplifts others. Thank God this man left me, or I never would have became who I came to Earth to be!
So, we don’t choose to forgive another for them…we choose to forgive them for ourselves. It is about a “learning orientation” to life, rather than the victim stance. When feeling really upset or angry about what another did or did not do, first ask yourself if you treat yourself that same why? And second ask yourself what your soul is trying to learn. When I asked myself those two questions, the answer was, yes, I was extremely harsh and abusive to myself and secondly it was time to quit giving my power away and be the star of my own life. Such great advice and wisdom from the depth of my soul!
It is through the process of forgiveness that we become free, empowered and truly happy. Withholding forgiveness takes so much energy, wouldn’t you really use that energy for something else? And really it feels so much better to be in our loving than our hatred don’t you think? Please write me with any thoughts, feelings or questions and may you be blessed with the profound power of authentic forgiveness!
Years ago I felt terribly abused, victimized and abandoned by a man who professed to love me for life. After he had unceremoniously kicked me to the curb, I would tell my sad story to anyone who would listen. While doing so I was frequently reduced to tears and often brought people with me. After about two years, my life was still in shambles: financially, emotionally, physically and in my relationships. When I meditated about my predicament the message that dropped in was: “How do you expect to move forward when you are constantly turning around and facing your past.” Oh no, this meant I was going to have to stop telling my story! But I was right! This wasn’t fair! Then the age old question came to me: “Do you want to be right, or be happy?” I wanted BOTH! I began to realize that maybe I could only have one, so after some serious contemplation I chose to be happy. This meant I had to stop complaining, I had to stop telling my story, and in fact I had to open my mind to forgiving the horrible man that had devastated me so completely. Darn….truth be told I wanted to witness his demise, I wanted him to experience the pain he so readily inflicted it onto others. However, if I wanted to manifest a happy, love-filled, prosperous and successful life, I not only had to forgive him, I had to bless him. This is NOT the way I wanted things to look. *Sigh,* O.K. here we go.
I made a committment to not to give into the temptation to tell my story. Additionally every time “he” dropped into my mind I said to myself “God bless him on his path, God bless me on mine.” I also did a forgiveness ceremony, where I lit a candle, invited Spirit in for the highest good of all concerned, and visualized cutting the heart cords that connected us. I placed him in a bubble that floated away and put a bubble of love and protection around me. I decided to give myself two months and if life wasn’t getting better, I was going to start hating him again. Well, life did start to improve and in fact, the anger and hatred was actually dissipating. At first the practice did not feel all that authentic, but after a while, it did. I think with the practice forgiveness it is indeed a practice, there can be layers and layers to peel off - and sometimes we have to fake it until we make it.
Today I am happy to report the forgiveness is complete. In fact, in truth I realize there was nothing to forgive. This man was a character in the drama of my life, playing out a part I assigned to him. He was a reflection of how I treated myself. And if it wouldn’t have been him, it would have been someone else like him. He motivated me in setting different intentions and get really serious about a Spirit-filled, love-filled, and empowered. Today I am in a long term marriage with a solid, beautiful, generous loving man, I have my own radio show on empoweradio.com, I am an artist who is compensated well for my paintings, I am a sacred art facilitator, counselor, I have a double Ph.D. and a book, that supports, inspires and uplifts others. Thank God this man left me, or I never would have became who I came to Earth to be!
So, we don’t choose to forgive another for them…we choose to forgive them for ourselves. It is about a “learning orientation” to life, rather than the victim stance. When feeling really upset or angry about what another did or did not do, first ask yourself if you treat yourself that same why? And second ask yourself what your soul is trying to learn. When I asked myself those two questions, the answer was, yes, I was extremely harsh and abusive to myself and secondly it was time to quit giving my power away and be the star of my own life. Such great advice and wisdom from the depth of my soul!
It is through the process of forgiveness that we become free, empowered and truly happy. Withholding forgiveness takes so much energy, wouldn’t you really use that energy for something else? And really it feels so much better to be in our loving than our hatred don’t you think? Please write me with any thoughts, feelings or questions and may you be blessed with the profound power of authentic forgiveness!
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